Archive for December, 2006

Friends are family!

Friday, December 22nd, 2006

Another busy holiday season arrived and will pass very soon.  I am busy with buying gifts or fantasizing getting some hot gift for myself or  my friends or my family.  Or just having fun with window shopping or looking at all the catalogues and discount coupons sent my way.  I cant deny the fact that Snow will be here very soon and I will be wearing layers of clothes to venture out or bitch about the high heating bill.  Perhaps hug my friends to keep me warm when we are outside..  or stay closer to be warm and beat the cold.  Its time of the year I like to spend a lot of time in coffee houses (No I didn’t say bath houses) with friends, acquaintances and complete strangers.  Its all part of life and drama that comes with it.

Perhaps another holiday season in which I add few pounds to my slim thin figure  and constantly worry about  how to loose them once the holiday season is over.  Perhaps another holiday season in which I rakeup considerable CreditCard Debt and worry about paying them all at once, when the holiday season is over.  I am not alone in this and I am sure many of you go thru this as well.

All these holidays don’t have any religious significance to me.  Growing up back in India, my family was very unorthodox, liberal and rebellious in many ways. (I was raised Hindu) My parents hardly went to temples and perhaps once or twice a year.  We never performed pooja’s at home regularly.  Perhaps once or twice a year.  Neither did my parent quoted religious scriptures to discipline us the rowdy kids nor did they notice me taking bible lesson thru post.

Thinking about my childhood, I was always the talkative, sensitive, troublemaker.  Always trying to please others, I found out very early that I can sense other feelings easily (So don’t pretend about anything, I can see thru you.)  Arguing with my parents about things beyond my age, getting beaten by my father once a while and make my mom cry many times.  Poor parents, they can take the shit only to a certain extent. I did good in school and excelled in debates and won some prices as well, I wish I had continued that. So we celebrated Diwali (Deepavali, Festival of lights), Pongal (Sankaranthi, harvest festival),  Onam, Christmas, Eid, Ramzan etc.  Our schools are out and I had neighbors from different religion and different states of India who spoke different languages. So its never religious for me, its all about having fun with friends, off from school and exchanging some wonderful sweets, cakes, and delicious food from our beloved neighbors.

I didn’t grewup in a rich family,  we lived from pay check to pay check like many others. Coffee with sugar in the beginning of the month and at the end sometimes we endup with Black coffee and brown sugar.  Whatever we could offer.  My mom served us with pride and never let us go hungry (Bless you mom), so we learnt to appreciate all the good things in life and appreciated all good things and good people. Its not the gifts it counted, it was all about people, love and company.

But when I started earning, I was far away from my hometown Coimbatore, working near Calcutta aka Kolkata. So it was a sudden transition,  I can make some good money, but I am far from family. I cant make the trek of 3 days on train to go all the down south to meet the family often, so it was all about friends.  I learnt to make few good friends and we are all like family.  We as bachelors were invited for dinners, lunches and gatherings.  Living in hostel’s we didn’t have access to cook in a kitchen.  We relied on cafeteria food, so it was a delight to taste some home cooked food.  I am so thankful to those wonderful souls.

Friends became my family since then.  I learnt to appreciate the fact that I wont be able to spend time with my family as often as I thought I should be.  Friends became family, my primary resource and caretakers.  They are the ones who took care of me when I was sick,  they are the ones who organized my birthday parties, they are the one who hugged me, they are the ones who laughed and cried with me, they are the ones who gave me strength and love when I needed it.

As any good story, good things wont last much.  I did move to the states and 97 and left them all there and still stay in touch with them once a while.  The good memories are there to help me thru the rest of my life.

Moving to states and finding new friends it was not easy, some move, I move,  its the part of the game.  But they are my family, my primary support network. I can be myself and I can let my guards down, They can see me in my real elements.  I spend my holidays with them, celebrate Birthdays, talk to them when I feel the blues.  We exchange our medical histories, love life, or love less life stories. See movies, meet others families when they show-up. We come is so many colors, sizes, ages, genders, sexual orientations, fetishes and moods.  But hey we are all humans and we get along well.  Why not?

The holiday season is here and we go thru this in our own style.  No one is holding grudge against each other. Even if we do, we wont tell the other person. We just live our lives and navigate thru this wire mesh of our lives and try to strike a balance. Rely on our cell phones to memorize all our lives contacts and thinking about moving to Blackberry to be more connected to the cyber world 24×7.

Thank you friends and family,  happy holidays.

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Speakers: GLBT Asians do exist

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

Speakers: GLBT Asians do exist  By Tom Keane (From Boston College new magazine BCheights)

I am so priviledged to be part of this panel discussions. I am posting the new article for everyone to see. :)

From the Article

"I’ve tried to come out to my friends in India and they deny it. They say you’re not gay, you can’t be gay," said Sarav Chithambaram, a software engineer and panelist at "Asians Can’t Be Gay?! The Silent Struggle." The panel discussion was presented by the GLBT Leadership Council (GLC) and the Asian Caucus Thursday.

The panel featured four speakers, Sarav Chithambaram, Kristin Ming, a local engineer, and BC professors Min Hyoung Song and Ricco Siasoco. All four are of Asian descent and consider themselves members of the GLBT/Queer community.

The panel discussed the position of Asians within the larger GLBT/Queer community. The panelists and the student organizations that organized this event sought to correct the false assumption that Asians rarely deviate from a heterosexual lifestyle.

The presentation began with a short film which briefly interviewed members of the Asian and GLBT/Queer communities here at BC. In the film, BC students were asked if they knew any Asian members of the GLBT/Queer community and what their thoughts were about Asians "coming out."

The four speakers were then introduced to the audience, and each panelist spoke briefly about their experiences as Asian members of the GLBT/Queer community. After they were introduced, the panelists answered questions asked by the moderator, Myhanh Tran, president of the Asian Caucus and LSOE ‘07, and members of the audience.

The panelists all stated that they did not choose to be attracted to the people they are attracted to, they have always had feelings, which some might consider not "normal."

"Being gay is a part of me, but not who I am fully," said Chithambaram.

The panelists did point out that they did not believe that being members of the GLBT/Queer community was the sole defining aspect of their lives. Siasoco said, "Being gay is different in my professional and personal lives." Other panelists agreed with him on this, making it clear that they considered themselves to be much more than just members of the GLBT community.

The issue of race was discussed at length by the panel. "The gay community in the United States is not free from racism and there is tension there," said Song.

The panelists made it clear that Asians are highly visible in the GLBT/Queer community, something of a minority within a minority. While they have all become friends with Caucasian members of the GLBT/Queer community, they have experienced racism from other members of this group.

"It’s nice to assume that all members of the GLBT community, having experience prejudice, are accepting," said Kristin Ming, but that is unfortunately not the case many times.

The panelists did express hope that prejudices against Asians in the GLBT/Queer community, and against the GLBT/Queer community as a whole, can be overcome. They stated that they were excited to be involved in this panel, because it created an opportunity for dialogue on this discussion.

Another major issue the panelists discussed was how members of the GLBT/Queer community are viewed by other members of Asian culture. They pointed out that this is a more complex question than many realize, due to the vast differences of culture and tradition among Asians of different nationalities. This can lead to a wide range of responses when an Asian comes out to his or her family.

Many Asians in the GLBT/Queer community believe that it is safer to come out in the United States as opposed to Asia. They believe that the environment in America is much more accepting and open than in Asia. The panelists said that idea has merit, but at the same time it might be somewhat inaccurate in how it views the opinions of homosexuality in Asia.

"In a lot of [Asian] cultures, homosexuality was well integrated," said Song.

The panel said that Western influence helped make homosexuality taboo in Asia. Chithambram pointed out that India’s Kama Sutra has several chapters devoted to homosexuality and that homosexuality has a long history in that country.

Panelists pointed out that that attitude has changed, and the West has played a major role in that change. Now, Asians are rarely thought of when people consider the GLBT/Queer community. Members of the panel claimed that most people think of homosexuality as a "white thing." This has been detrimental to the establishment of a complete understanding of the GLBT/Queer community in society as a whole.

A major obstacle to increasing awareness about Asians in the GLBT/Queer community is the lack of role models for Asians in that community. They stressed the idea that Asians, as well as other minorities, are just as likely to be homosexual as whites. They hoped that events such as this could help raise awareness of Asians in the GLBT/Queer community.

They also recommended several support groups in the area, such as QAPA (Queer Asian Pacific Alliance), MASALA (Mass Area South Asian Lambda Association), and Rainbow Cambridge, for GLBT Asian students who might be searching for such groups.

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Fight against AIDS my journey and yours!

Saturday, December 2nd, 2006

Dec 1st the world aids day.  This year was no different from the year before and the year before.  Still no sight of any vaccine to prevent the disease or any cure.   The slogan being Prevention is better than cure for next year or few years.  The struggle goes on.  Let us be honest and say what did we do different on this day to make a difference in the community?  Did we take a stand?  Are we going to do something about it?  Talk about it? get tested? support the fight?  get educated and equip ourselves with more information?

This is not a Gay disease or straight disease.  Its a human tragedy.  40 million people currently living with the virus across the globe.  Mostly in developing nations.   Mothers, fathers, children,  Young men, Young girls,  parents,  brothers, sisters, partners, husbands, wifes, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, grand parents, colleagues,  class mates the list goes on and on.  They are somebody and it matters to us all.  The whole new generation not knowing that they carry this virus,  not seeking treatment and live a dangerous life.  But when they find out,  it may be too late for many.   We cant develop a blind eye and be selfish, indifferent and do nothing.  Its every ones fight and we have to fight this. What happens in China or India or South Africa will affect you tomorrow. It may not affect you today, but definitely it will soon.

If the world show concern for this epidemic compared to the efforts of people during holiday shopping season,  we will go a long way.  Compared to indifference of Churches, Synagogues,  Mosques and Mandirs ,  imagine if they change their stand part of this fight,   how much we can progress in this never ending fight? As a united force, we can achive great things. History teaches this time and again. 

This fight is very personal to me.  It started with finding our that one of my friend was living with AIDS when he got hospitalized suddenly.  I cried all night,  because of fear, compassion,  not knowing anything about the disease and thought I could be me one day.  This is a fear I am living with since I came out.  Fortunately my ex BF was a registered nurse and he was on phone with me for hours that night and calmed me down.  He gave me strength and wisdom to go seek the education I needed to equip myself and get rid of all the misconceptions I had.  I was naive enough to think that I could get HIV by sharing my personal space with someone,  hugging, hand shaking or kissing someone.  How naive I was?  How missinformed I was.  This was few years ago, when I just got out of my closet and started exploring the gay world.

There is my friend, a dear friend  who lost his partner to this deadly disease.  Unfortunately he passed away even before I becomes friends with this friend.  His pictures, belongings still around my friends place, but his memories lingers on.  A few others who lead a healthy life,  some who disappeared from this planet quiety and joined the angels. I didn’t know them very well,   but they simply disappeared from the private safe spaces which I was part off.    Kept me wondering  how many in the future?  That makes their presence today even dearer.

I remember a close call last year, when one of my "dates"  called me late in an evening and broke the news that he had tested positive. I didnt know what to say,  I become numb and I couldnt respond.  Somehow my life flashed before me.   I haven’t been with him for over a year,   I know that the chances of me contracting the virus was next to impossible.  I  am always safe and I get tested every 6 months.  Yet somehow I panicked and spend a sleepless night after pacifying him.   Unknown fear,  irrational thoughts took over me all night.  Twisting and turning in the bed didnt work.  At work the next day I was like a walking zombie, couldnt concentrate on work, meetings, I was lost in my own world.  Luckily I had a blood test scheduled that day. I went for a blood test at the free clinic operated by Fenway health clinic in Boston.  The test came out neg to my relief.  But the irrational thoughts, the stress, the shear pain of going thru this, is huge.  You have to go thru this to understand the feeling. 

I don’t want to spend my life going thru this constant fear.  I know deep down I want to be in a monogamous, trustful relationship.   But let us face it,  I haven’t dated anyone since I broke up with my ex partner more than 3 years ago.   What are the odds of me finding the real one?  What is wrong with the community in general?  Being a minority within the community raises so many questions, issues and problems.  Am I being racially profiled or exotified or  am I just an eye sore for many or just too sensitive?  Do I have to go to the gym 7 days a week to keep me in better shape to attract some shallow guy to date?  Are the gay relationships based on Physical attributes only?.   Sex is always good,  but there is a whole world beyond  satisfying your bodily urge.  Deep down I am a person and I want to be happy and I want to see my friends and community happy.    Most of us complain about this and lead less than perfect lives.  But yet we don’t know what to do about this?  Do we?  I have no answer. Perhaps we will find an answer soon enough to change our lives!.

I talk about this epidemic wherever and whenver I get a chance.  I don’t shy away talking about this.  I am very mindful for the people who live with the virus.   I do the AIDS walk (Annual AIDS walk organized by Aids Action Committee http://www.aac.org )  every year in Boston.   On top of it, someone spread a rumor that I am positive and that why I am very passionate about fighting this disease.   When I heard this,  it hurt me so bad.   Why would people be so mean and back stab someone like this?   Even if I am positive what is their business anyway?  When did someone’s health becomes an issue among our peers?   But does that make me be less effective in the fight?  Does that make me think twice doing something related to this disease?    Hell no..  I will never let someone drag me down, I will go ahead and march for the fight I believe in.   I will drag my friends and family along in that fight.  I will do whatever I can and try to make a difference.   

This is the fight we will win eventually. It may take years and decades, but we cannot slowdown.  We have to fight with full intensity and surge ahead.  Damn with government policies, red tapes, bigotry, stupidty  and religious beliefs.  We the people are more powerful than them and all of our efforts add up to more than what we contribute as individuals.

Let us make a difference. I will try my best and  I hope you will.

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