Diary of Sarav

Every year Easter, passover and other holidays comes and go. An occasional wishes in my email account or some wonderful cards. Some times I don’t even notice that these days come and gone. This is one of cultural and religious thing that you wont get it when you live as a transplant.  No matter how long you live in that situation,  its still foreign to you.  I hope one of these days I will live longer in this step-mother lather and will get used to it.  Perhaps I may become one of the local Yankees.  Wish me luck in that department.

This year it turned out to be a different one.  Few months back I saw this ad on Craig’s list looking for Volunteers for Little brothers organization.  The ad asked for volunteer application for socializing with elders in Boston area.  I thought it was a cool opportunity and fired and email.  Promptly I got an email from the organization with an attachment. As usual the hotmail service delivered it to the bulk email and I forgot to move it and it was deleted in a day or two.  Few weeks passed before I remembered. I wrote back to inquire whether they are still looking for Volunteers and the email came back quickly with the application form.

I filled in the form and faxed it over the next day.  Part of the screening process, my background was screened. Everything went thru and I was invited for a orientation program at Little Brothers office in Jamaica Plain.

The orientation program was very informal,  met Mindy Newman the Volunteer coordinator. She went over the mission of the organization and how they organization serve Elders 70 and above in the Boston area.  Most of the elders live alone, limited income and they are lonely.  This is what capitalism does to the society.  The constant independent ME ME ME attitude leaves a lot of people alone. Does the society really care for the elders, yes it does.  But we don’t have any time for them.  Visiting them once in 3 months or taking them out for dinner on a holiday is not enough.  We need to make sure that we are part of their lives. Its very easy to say and done I guess.  I came to know that Little Brothers organization does a food drive on Easter day.  Volunteers distribute hot meals to elders and spend some time with them.  I signed up for that program and looked forward for Apr 16th.

The day came with a bang.  What a weekend. I spend the Sat filled with meditation class, wonderful cooking class and a party at a dear friends place. I was all ready, rested, energetic, scrubbed clean, dressed well and left for the Northeastern University cafeteria so that  I can be there by 10am. The day was wonderful, sunny, warm, windy and the spring weather was great. I enjoyed the short ride from my home to North Eastern university. Spring colors were everywhere. Somehow the people got into that mood and they looked very cheerful on the streets.  As usual,  finding my way to the location and finding parking was bit of a challenge, but hey it wasn’t bad after all.  Once I found the right street, the cafeteria was easy to find by the colorful balloons and some cheerful volunteers were there answering our questions.

The cafeteria was brimming with lots of activities.  People from every walk of life were there. Individuals, families, community groups, etc etc. I registered myself and underwent a quick orientation program.  After the brief program I head to the section where I was supposed to choose the elders.  I picked up Brighton for no reason and I was assigned two elders.  Both of them women, both of them spoke English and Russian. I picked up the meals, flowers and some wonderful gift packet from Girl scouts and headed to Brighton. 

I used to live in Brighton so finding my way to finding the elders was not that difficult.  After a quick drive, I was there looking at the housing complex. I have driven thru that corner 100’s of times and never realized that the building was a housing complex. Thought it was a condo complex. I was bit nervous wasn’t sure how the situation will be. My first biggest fear was not able to get their trust and not able to give them the meal I bought.  The second fear was not been able to converse with them.  Let us face it,  English is not my native tongue either and that was giving me some hardtimes.  Well, nothing to loose, just with the hot meals in tow I arrived at the location.  I was lucky that both the Women lived in the same building.

I had a wonderful time visiting the two women. They were very happy to receive me and enjoyed my company very much.  In spite of some the barriers like language, cultural etc we connected at the human level. Once we did that,  we perfectly understood each other.  All my doubts went away.  Well I am waiting to learn Russian in couple of months from one of the ladies and the other one wanted me to get married to a nice girl and have min of 2 kids. 

(Leaving most of the details out for privacy reasons).

At the end of the day, it left me wondering about the next holiday.

Is that you?
I wonder
Everytime I see a face
In the crowd
On the streets
In a bus
In a train
On a plane
The sweetest face
With a sweetest smile
Those quivering lips
Makes me yearn
For the endless kiss
The smiling eyes
Piercing into my soul
The sweetest face
I have seen
Only in my dreams

I close my eyes
When people speak
To find your voice
Among the crowd
I close my eyes
To hear to breathe
I close my eyes
To fell your soul

I wakeup everyday
with a cheerful heart
Full of love
Full of life
I can still
feel your touch
feel your breath
I can still
Hear you laugh
Hear you whisper
In my ears
I can still
Hear your heart beat
As if I am lying on your chest
When I try to remember
Your sweetest face
It vanishes
among the clouds
Like night
When its day
Like day
when its night
It vanishes
In a crowd
Like a perfect stranger
As you are

When I close my eyes
You are there
Waiting for me
with an open arms
with the sweetest smile
On the cheerful face
To warm my heart
To warm my soul

Yet I cant remember
Your sweetest face
It vanishes
among the clouds
Like a perfect stranger
As you are

Is that you?
I wonder
Everytime I see a face
In the crowd
On the streets
In a bus
In a train
On a plane
The sweetest face
With a sweetest smile
Those quivering lips
Makes me yearn
For the endless kiss
The smiling eyes
Piercing into my soul
The sweetest face
I have seen
Only in my dreams

April 6th 1999

April 6th 1999, is it a liberation day or a curse day or is it a dream or a nightmare or my Birthday?  I really don’t know, all I can say that I cant take a pick of any of the options above.  Years of struggle, years of heart ache, years of waiting, years of shear pain, years of sleepless nights. It was very hard to be in that position for all those years.  Heart breaks, lonely nights, constant hiding, constant urges, paranoia..  its kinda scary feeling to go thru and you are always on your guard.  You are paranoid to such an extent that you suspect people that they know about you.  A friendly touch can be misunderstood or evoke a different response from you.

It all started in the second week of March 99. I called Berkshire Stonewall coalition’s help line.  I was so nervous that day, I made up some phony excuse at work and headed for home early.  The top floor apt which I shared with my room-mate was very calm and quiet that day.  My heart was pounding like its going to burst any time or I am going to get a heart attack or something like that, my legs grew week, my hands were shaking, I was drenched with sweat. If someone had seen me in that situation, they would have called 911.  Those days I
smoked. I remember smoking few cigarettes in a few mins to calm me down. The nicotine rush indeed helped me to calm my nerves a bit.  I did make that fateful call.  I was surprised to hear the booming manly voice of Dick Lopez.  It was very soothing and reassuring that you can trust him and talk to him about anything without worrying about being judged or being ridiculed.  He asked me how he can help me.  The years of waiting did come to an end at that moment.  That very moment was the biggest of my life time.  Was it a rebirth?   Yes it was. I vaguely remember mumbling something and boy was I nervous?  Yes I was… I remember talking too fast and those days I had a very thick Indian accent.  Dick stopped me when he didn’t follow me and politely asked me to repeat something he didn’t understand.  We talked for more than an hour.  It was talking like a floodgate just opened and thoughts, questions, worries everything poured from every pore of my body.  I never felt that I could trust someone so much at that moment.  I didn’t have any inhibitions whatsoever and I poured my heart out.  Dick is a good listener and he did a fabulous job of listening to me.  I am sure I wasn’t the first person to call the number and ask for help but   I bet he was surprised to hear a Indian voice on the other side.  In Berkshires I don’t think there were many Indians and let alone a queer one.  I felt very light after talking to him.  He reassured me again and again and its ok to talk to him about anything. He wasn’t rushing at all, he was very patient and made me feel like he was my best friend all my life.  At the end, he gave me two options,  one to attend a coming out meeting on Apr 6th 1999 and to attend a potluck on Apr 7th.  Little did know that time both these days are life altering days and I will be meeting some wonderful people on those days.

I thanked him god knows for how long or how many times, but I was very happy and elated.  I hanged up on him and went to the living room window and stared at the blue sky for a long time.  I opened the window and let the cold air rush into my apartment.  I felt so fresh and so relieved as if like a big burden unloaded from my heart.  I felt light, rejuvenated, relieved, happy, cheerful and peaceful.  After sometime, I went down and got into my car and drove north on Rt 7.  Its one of the beautiful and scenic routes in Berkshires and it takes you to Bennington county in Vermont. I don’t recall how far I went, but I do remember stopping by a gas station in Vermont and filling up the gas and getting some cigarettes. All along I was plotting my next move and looking forward for the coming out group next month.  Even though it was few weeks away, I was very anxious to get it over with. Came back home and cooked a fabulous Indian meal.  My room-mate was asking me why I am so happy and quizzing me for more info.  I wasn’t giving out any details, any ways.

The weeks passed by very fast. Finally the day arrived.  The coming out group was at a women center on First Street in pittsfield.  I think I went thru the panic attack phase again that afternoon at work.  I excused myself from work early and went straight home to just calm my nerves down and not being seen by any.  I was so nervous and wasn’t in a mood to answer 100’s of questions from my colleagues.  Especially the Indian ones,  we Indians definitely don’t have any boundaries when it comes to our personal space.  I was expecting to see a group of people in the coming out group, perhaps some around my age group? I could easily relate to?.  I was bit late to the meeting, I guess I judged the traffic wrong that day. I was late by 5 mins to the meeting.   When I entered the room, there were 4 people already in the room.  That included two facilitators Mike Connor and Emily.  Two other gentlemen were participating in the program. One was in early 60s and the other one late 40s or early 50s.  I did find myself awkward there.  I did feel fish out of water for sometime and I was the youngest person in the room in my early 20s.  It was hard not to relate to anyone in the room,  but I was there for a purpose and I let that instinct drive the rest of my stay with the group.

The coming-out group was very structured and it was very well facilities by both Mike and Emily. First time ever I had to reveal myself to real people, in realtime. A plot for a reality show? It was a weird feeling.  I didn’t feel comfortable looking making eye contact with any of the participants, so I deviced this idea of looking at a window and talking when my chance came. It helped me not to get nervous. Few hours of talking and listening did help me to feel more relaxed and feel more part of a community, feel real. At that moment, it made sense for most of the things I ve gone thru, the things I thought over the years, the fears, the panic, the paranoia, the self loathing, etc etc..  It made sense, I am not alone, I have an identity, I not a weirdo. I am not burning in eternal sin.  Its a new beginning, new chapter in my life. No look backs and no regrets.  I was born again as a new person.  One thing really stood-out was that almost everyone never had talked to a Indian before.  So its a unique experience for all of us.

Mike Connor turned out to be a good friend. I met Dick, his partner Joe, Bernie, Joey, Dale and host of others the next day at the potluck.  Met Dick for real the next day at the potluck and thanked him as sincerely as I could and because of him, I think I got the confidence to take the next step and be who I am.  Not everyone in the community were friendly, warm and approachable, but there were few gems and they are still part of my life, except Bernie who passed away in 2003.  Bernie and Joey played a huge role in the following months and few years.  They took me under their wings (I called Bernie Mother) and showed me the ropes.  It really helped me to feel grounded and feel safe.  This experience gave the much needed structure in my life at that moment.  Needless to say,  thru Bernie, I met my first BF and partner Dan.

Coming out is a process and it started the day I called Dick in the fateful March day,  but officially Apr 6th was the day when I talked to someone for real, face to face and yelled at the top of my voice, that I am gay.  I felt happy about it and didn’t feel scared or ashamed.  New beginnings and a new life and its so far so good… Life goes on..

I see the  rainbow
The Gateway to heaven
Its as beautiful as it was
As the day you walked away
The day is so beautiful
The sun is still shining
The gentle breeze caressing
The songs of the birds
The laughter of the children
The smell of spring flowers
As the day you walked away
It feels the same

I stand by the river
That runs in our backyard
Flowing like nothing happened
Flowing like nothing changed
Tries to wash away all the memories
Tries to wash away all the pains
Like it has done
since it was born

On that sunny spring day
I saw you walking
Into the rainbow
And disappear among the rainbow
No good byes
No smiles
No tears
No hugs
No lookbacks
You walked in haste
To feel the heaven
You walked in haste
To leave all the pain
I saw you disappear
Among that wonderful rainbow
No more shadows
No more reflections
Just few memories

I let you go
I let you walk
I let you run
I let you fly
I set you free
I thought its heaven
You thought its heaven
On the other side
Far away from where we were
Just beyond the rainbow

The words I said
The words you said
The words we spoke
The words we didn’t speak
The world we lived
The world we breathed
You said it was hell
You want to go back to your shell

I let you go
I let you walk
I let you run
I let you fly
I set you free
You walked into the rainbow
No good byes
No smiles
No tears
No hugs
No lookbacks
No shadows
No reflections
Just old memories