Archive for February, 2006

Who am I

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
Who am I?
Where did I come from?
Some say my moms womb
Some say I am a soul
from a distant land
Residing in this earthly body
Who am I?
Some call me by my name
Some call me by my nickname
I hear their callings
I turn my head without failing
Does this all defines me?
Who am I for real?
The bones?
or The perfectly tanned brown skin
or The flesh
or The gym toned body
or The stubourn fat in my belly
or The strong legs
or The booming voice I am blessed with
or The joyful laughter I am blessed with
or Is The soul within?
The invisible souce of my existance
Thats the energy with a definite boundary
The unseen energy that drives me crazy
The unseen energy keeps me alive
The unseen energy keeps me warm
The unseen energy keeps me standing
Who am I?
Do I have a name?
Do I have a nick name?
Do I have an Indentity?
What was I called before?
Where was I residing before?
Mysteriously appearing in my moms womb!
What was I called before?
What is my real name?
Do I even have a name?
Am I just a blob of energy?
So divine and beautiful
So peaceful and Loving
But wait..
Where did this hate and bigotry came from?
Where did this pretence and ego came from?
Where did this attachment and anger came from?
Where did this annoying lust came from?
No one knows?
I dont know either..
Is this me?
Or am I different?
No one knows..
If you know
Please Please Please
Be so kind and gentle
To Let me know..
To quench my thrist of knowledge
That rocks my core existance

SINGLE GAY MEN WHO ARE OVER IT! » Call it attitude or insecurity or Moronic or Normal

Sunday, February 26th, 2006

* This is a cross positng I did on SINGLE GAY MEN WHO ARE OVER IT!

I moved to Boston in 2003.  Living in a big city was always my dream, but again I had too many hopes for Boston.   The dating scene in Boston is kinda lame.  Same 10 guys in different dating sites,  different "I am soooo good..  I am looking for Mr. Right", what they forgot is "I am soooo good and horny and I am looking for Mr. Right now".  Just couple of words here and there, that makes the whole lot of difference.. doesn’t it?  Some of them should realize the meaning of  what slim/slender/athletic means…   Especially humping in bed doesn’t make you athletic and melt all those extra pounds from Cheese cake away.

Where was I?   Oh yes,  seem them in gay scene (few bars and clubs,  too few, small for a big city life),  they are all well dressed,  groomed and look very friends.  I warn you,  don’t say hello, they may look at you as if you are from a different planet. (May be they think I am from a different planet, it’s a different story.. I am not going there for now).   And you are there with a friend or two and pretending to be having a very deep intellectual conversation,  you will sense that someone is staring at you.  You turn to that direction and if you are quick enough you may catch the head of the cat turning back…  Even if you make an eye contact, they will be so quick to look else where and make you feel you are a piece of ****.. 

The most intriguing conversation anyone may have with a stranger in the settings is "Excuse me.. " if they are considerate enough after spilling drink or squeezing between you and your friend to move to another area. 

You see the same guys in person in pubic right..  most of them must have aged overnight by 5 - 10 years.  What is wrong?  and all the freaking attitude they have… I am so privileged and I am so beautiful?   who cares…. ignore them.. 

Suddenly some old guy will be standing besides you..   accidentally their body will brush against your and/or they may even be kind enough to hold a conversation with you.  The same deep intellectual conversation..  it goes like this
   
             1.  Stranger: Where are you from? 
                           Me:  Er..  Boston…
                  Stranger:  Where are you really from?
                           Me: ………………

              2.  Stranger: Are you a student?

              3.   Stranger:  Are you a Professional?

              4.   Stranger:   Are you single?

             5.    Stranger:   I once knew a Indian guy.  He used to be a cashier at the corner store….
            
              6.   Stranger:   Can I have your number please?  Meet for coffee..
                           Me:    Er..  I am sorry.. I don’t drink coffee.. I quit 5 mins ago and I am so broke.. don’t have a phone..   

Well, you go home wondering what the hell is wrong with you people( including yourself)..   and browse the Internet for few more hours..  (He he.. ).  As usual emails from Dimitry the 25 old lover from Russia looking for overseas love..   or some guy from some part of the world looking for a husband..   (Where is my sugar daddy..  get me my private jet).. 

And go to the usual hookup sites..  there they are..  all of them.. Much younger, with pretty pictures and pretty angles and pretty profiles.. Your Doctors, tax man, physical trainers, friends, councilors, professors, bartenders, dancers… there they are..   they all proclaim that they are the studs and world best lovers next to Romeo and they are all looking Mr. Right now..    What do you do..  do the obvious and the search goes on..

Back to the corner and it goes again.. 

Marriage is not a solution

Sunday, February 12th, 2006
Please stop
Please stop
Think twice before you decide
Think thrice before you decide
Dont spoil someones life
Dont spoil your own life
 
Its your life isnt it?
Its your own life isnt it?
Its someoneelses life isnt it?
Its someoneelses life isnt it?
 
Its a crime
Its a heinous crime
Its a hateful crime
Its a horrible senseless crime
 
Do you want to be part of it
Or do you want to
part withit
Its your choice
You can make it as your choice
 
Marriages are made in heaven
Thats a very good excuse
Do you believe in heaven
Dont make that as an excuse
 
Why do you blame your family
Why do you blame your parents
Why do you blame your society
Why do you blame yourself
 
Please Stop
Please Stop
Someone’s life is in peril
You can stop that nasty peril
Only you can stop
Only you can stop!
 
I am who I am
You are who you are
Stop pretending
Who you are not
Start pretending
who you are
 
Does someones life comes so cheap?
None of our lifes comes so cheap!
Marriage is not a solution
Its never a good solution
 
Please stop
Please stop

Inner Struggle (Adult only please)

Sunday, February 12th, 2006
Whats your name
Tim, Tom, Trent?
Hey Tim
Do you mind leaving soon
I have to go to work
No I dont need your no
No I dont need your address
No I dont see you no more
Hey Tom,  Can you clean the mess
The day is bright
I may go for a walk
No you cant join me in the walk
I have to go
The day is so bright
I need some coffee
No Trent, You cant join me for coffee
I have to clense myself
I have to get some sense
I have an hangover
need some pills
No I dont need your pills
Whats your name again?
Its Tim isnt it? 
No I am sorry, Its Tom
Thats what you told me last night
Its Trent?
Oh You are trevor
and you thought I am Mixed?
Nope I am Indian from India
Nope I am cut
and I am Indian from India
Do you mind leaving soon?
I have to clense myself
I have to get some sense
I have an hangover
need some pills
You have to leave now
I need some coffee
I need a walk
I need to cry
I am not depressed
I am not angry
I am so confused
My heart is so empty
My mind is so blank
Can you please leave now
I dont want to see you again
I dont want your phone number
I dont want to see you anymore
Please can you leave now
I need to clense myself
I need to clense my soul
The day is bright
I have to go for a walk
Good bye Abe

Breakup

Sunday, February 12th, 2006

I hear rain drops falling
the distant chirp of a lonely bird
The crackling noise of my heater
Its all calm and quiet

I stare at the empty ceiling
So blank, so white
Not even dust layers
Not even cob webs
So blank and so plain
Like my mind and my life

The room is empty
None to talk to
I feel the cold
I feel the empty bed
I feel the empty house
I feel my empty heart

I simply wonder
what are you doing now
Feeling the same emptiness?
Feeling the same loneliness?
Or Feeling the warmth of a new lover?
Or sleeping like a child
Not aware of my pains?

Where is the love?
Where is the affection?
We once promised
We once proclaimed
We will live together forever!
We will love forever!
We will grow old together!
We will do thing together!
We will be one soul!

Are these words were written on water?
All dissapeard in no time
There are no trace of these words
There are no trace of anything
Except the pain and suffering
It surfaces now and then
I try to wash it very clean
Not sure how to make it real clean

Were you a mere dream?
Were you a mirage?
A good one turn bad?
A sweet drink turn sour?

You left me in a haste
Yet there is no trace

My heart is in dispair
My soul is in pain
Days have gone by
Months have gone by
few years have gone by
My heart is still bleeding
and my soul is still weeping

Few Men came to quench
Their bodily thrist
Left me even empty
Left me even hollow
I hated their touches
I hated their kisses
I hated them being there
Yet I did not stop
I always wonder why?

Is there a meaning for life?
Is there a meaning for love?
Are they mere words?
We believe some oneday
Forget the other day?
Is life is so simple?
or do we take for simple?

I look outside the window
Its dark cloudy
Rain drops are falling
Hope the sky is not falling
Hope this day will be the one
Hope my heart wont bleed
Hope my soul wont weep
Hope my heart will heal
Hope my soul wont weep

Death of a goatee

Wednesday, February 8th, 2006

It’s a cold and lazy winter morning.  Varas is sleeping peacefully, his arms resting on his chest and heater in the room working fulltime to keep the room warm.  The Tremont street traffic was getting busier as the time grew.  As if the fate of the world, the horrible sounding alert went off.  Varas, rolled over and pressed the snooze button and try to go back to sleep.  Well, as this is a ritual every morning,  the alternate backup CD player in the living room went alive and started belting out "Chaiya Chaiya" loud enough for the neighbors to call the police.  Did he or did he not had an option now?  Its anyones guess.  Varas lazily got out of the bed.

He rubbed his eyes to get a clear picture.   Clothes strewn around like a perfect college dorm.  Previous days shopping spree showed up on the drawer chest top, piled up neatly in the original plastic covers.   Varas, adjusted his jockeys,   He could feel the little bulge around this waist. He would know better of what to do to keep in control.

He is always very conscious about himself, Bit neurotic and self conscious all the time.  Varas walked to the living room, switched of the CD player, suddenly the apt was filled with peace.  He walked into the kitchen.   The coffeemaker was steaming and the kitchen was filled with wonderful Yuban Columbian coffee.  He poured some into one of the mugs sitting on the counter with 2 Equals sitting next to it.   Fixed him a large cup of coffee and moved to the living room.

He couldn’t help but listen to some faint Bengali Rabindra Sangeet floating thru the living room wall.  Mrs. Banerjee is busy cooking breakfast and lunch for the family. As always.   She lives next-door and her family is from Calcutta (Kolkatta).  Varas, never told them that he knew Bengali (A language spoken in Calcutta),  they always thought he is a Madarasi guy (A guy from Madras/Chennai/South Indian) who only spoke Tamil and English.  That’s lot of fun to spy on them sometimes.  No that Varas is very nosy, but it amuses him sometimes.  He had some very good laughs overhearing their conversations, arguments.   Hey its part of life and benefits of loud neighbors.

Poor Mrs. Banerjee, I haven’t seen her at all.  Since they moved in, I always said hello to Mr. Banerjee in the morning when I go to work and when he is running to catch Bus 57 to Kenmore.  He seems to be a very moody and a very private person.  Mrs. Banerjee on the other hand comes out as a very Jovial, energetic person.  She is always active, talking, cooking, singing, you name it.   She lives in her small world, which are Mr. Banerjee and their son.   She is very good it setting the fire alarm regularly.  It catches Varas by surprise all the time.

It’s a day off and he had so much to do that day.  His new condo was getting some makeover and some shopping needs to be done as well.  It’s going to be a busy day.  He sits on the couch and turns on the TV and listened to local weather while sipping the coffee.  His is mind is not in the news, it was constantly thinking about all the activities planned for the day.    A trip to Home Depot,   in House Furnishing and a date late in the night.   Thinking about Paul, bought a naughty smile in Varas face.   Paulie was over the previous day and they watched a nice Indian movie.  As a relief from all the days hard work and stress he was looking forward for the date that evening and some cozy private times. 

He realized that his goatee was dry and itchy.   It’s a pain for him to take care of the goatee.  It’s a pain to keep it trip and in shape.  Too much work everyday morning, but so far so good.  His friends Joseph,  Mouriya, Kaioat,  Masha all loved it.  Importantly paul loved it.   Varas finished the coffee and was ready to get a good shower.  He walked in to the bath room; he couldn’t help but notice that the exhaust fan was humming a bit louder.   Its time to call the maintenance to fix that.  It’s always something he forgot to do at the end of the day.  Its one of them.

Varas looked in the mirror.  He could see the thick 5′0 clock shadow.  He wet his face with rose water.  His grand mom always said rose water makes skin more supple and smooth.      He took the trimmer and started shaping up the goatee.  Everything seems to be going alright.  At that moment, at that very moment, good heavens, the fire alarm went off.  Not again, Mrs. Banerjee.   At that very moment, a small slip, cut thru the wonderful goatee.  It looked like Red Sox with no Nomad, MASALA chain with no MASALA.   Suddenly the whole world went dark.  Varas’s head started spinning.  It almost felt as if like someone stabbed in his back with a dagger.  He couldn’t comprehend what had happened to him.  The great misfortune and the great mistake, his life wouldn’t be the same.   There was some wetness in his eyes, which showed how much it affected him.   With a heavy heart and a darkness clouding in his mind, he took the trimmer and started shaving off the goatee.

This will always be known as the great Death of a goatee in the modern world.  The modern history is changed for ever.  With a heavy heart and dissapointment, Varas finished his shaving and wondered how Paulie would react that evening.  What do you think?